I know it's a bit early to start drawing conclusions about what God might be doing here or teaching me with all this, but I can say this: I don't deserve it.
I have had so little faith, so little patience. I have tried so hard to lean on Him when my emotions got the better of me along this road. My most desperate prayer was, "Lord, please take this desire to have children away from me until the time is right." I just couldn't handle that biological clock ticking in my ear. It actually worked for the most part. I'd have to throw it back up to Him every now and then when my flesh got the best of me, but that was just me not keeping my end of the bargain.
Dealing with jealousy has been an entirely different issue. The main way I dealt with this was by "hiding" anyone who got pregnant on Facebook. I just couldn't deal with the ultrasound profile pictures and joyous announcements...especially from students. That was the worst. There were a few exceptions including those that I knew had struggled with fertility. Aside from rejoicing with them, it was evidence that God does indeed work miracles and I needed to see that. I don't know why I just knew I'd have to walk down that road. I know I'm not there yet, but still, just getting that plus sign on a stick is a dream for some and it makes me really grateful. Really grateful.
More recently I was convicted by the passage that says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn." I think Ephesians. I certainly wasn't doing that. It became my mantra when I faced a difficult social encounter involving the sensitive topic.
So it's been a struggle. A struggle with an uncertain end. There's obviously still a lot of uncertainty, but I really do feel like the struggle so far has been less than victorious. Pretty shameful. 5 years of it. Sunday's sermon was about the need to "hate your family" if you are to follow Christ in Luke 14. Hate really meaning "love less than God." I think I was pretty guilty of not hating my family before the kids ever even existed. I can say I tried, and asked for help, but I did not run the race to win. Hence, the feeling like I don't deserve it. I mean, we don't deserve anything we get from God, but there's always this game we humans seem to play because it's the way our flesh works. Earning salvation, working for forgiveness. Not getting His blessings because we screwed up. This is all just a reminder of how His game works. And how amazing and gracious and incredibly loving He is to us because He saves us and forgives us and blesses us out of love. To make His name great. Because of this, He deserves everything we have and are and will be. And we just hog it all and waste it all when He can do so much more with it than we can.
1st doctor appointment: Feb 1st. I'll be 9 weeks, God willing.
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